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I'm an internet has-been. I play accordion and draw lots and lots of dick-girls.

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Hamilton, Ontario

Joined on 12/7/18

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So a new idea for a Star Trek series that will make nobody happy. The story takes place on Earth in the POST TNG future. A bunch of Federation citizens from different walks of life get together to LARP in a holodeck. None of them ever served in Star Fleet because honestly the real Star Fleet is kinda dull as the Federation's technology and training means there's usually a simple tech fix for any problem a Starship encounters and so life in Star Fleet is seen as kinda dull and bureaucratic government job.


So these guys get together to LARP being in Star Fleet and the campaigns they play are all the klunker episodes of every incarnation of Star Trek thus destroying all concept of continuity and canon in the Star Trek multiverse. So an episode would have these guys meet up at the local holodeck on the weekend and one of them will have brought a campaign with him and then they fight during the campaign over whether this one is the worst one yet.


"Computer freeze program. What the hell!? A spider? The guy has turned into a spider because the doctor messed up treating his cold? Who the hell wrote this holoRPG?"


"That's Barclay he's the guy who wrote this holoRPG. His holoRPGs are always weird and kinda creepy. But it says it's based on a true event."


"What!? What true event? In what universe could something this stupid happen?"


"Well obviously he's playing fast and loose with the science just to move the story along. I mean let's face it when was the last time anybody made a weapon of mass destruction that could fail. We live in a post scarcity society. Every piece of technology that is dangerous to life would have enough redundancies built into it to make failure unthinkable. But you were okay with a photon torpedo malfunctioning at the beginning of the campaign."


"Yeah but turning into a spider because the doctor fucked up treating your cold? C'mon none of this shit makes sense."


"Oh really. None of this makes sense? And what was the last RPG you brought. That one set in the past where we had to go rescue, what was it? The Brain of Ambassador Spock?"


"Okay look, I'll admit that Spock's Brain was a bit of a let down."


"You only bought it because there was a hot woman on the cover and you have a hard on over retro styles."


"Look they can't all be Balance of Terror, but he's turned into a spider because his cold medicine was wrong. This is way stupider than the Spock's Brain RPG. Spider Mary Sue is just breaking my immersion."


"Barclay is not a Mary Sue."


"He literally wrote himself into his own RPG."


"Yeah but he's... a spider..... Look have you actually read the report logs of what happened in that incident? They fired a torpedo, the primary and secondary safety systems failed. But the other 20 redundancy systems built into every weapons system because we have the technology and economy to let us build systems with a ridiculous amount of safety systems in everything we make, worked fine and there was no incident. Lt. Barclay had a minor health issue that was treated competently in sick bay, but WHAT IF!!!! WHAT IF the redundancy systems ALL failed on that training mission? WHAT IF the medical care he received was sloppy? That's what we're playing a WHAT IF, because the reality of Starfleet is we live in a time where artificial intelligence means every problem can be quickly solved by our technology, where every human that is involved in the mission has been so well trained and selected for the mission that the combination of AI and human problem solving skills means every problem we run into gets solved, quickly, efficiently and competently solved."


"So because Lt. Barclay couldn't find a way to make his day seem more exciting than it really was we have to play through an RPG where he turns into a spider and the ships counsellor turns into a... what did she turn into, a newt? A fucking newt? That's literally a worn out joke from the 20th century comedy troupe Monty Python."


"Woah! People have been ripping off Monty Python for RPGs ever since RPGs were invented. Monty Python is fundamental to the RPG experience."


"Yeah well, I'm just wanting something a little less... silly. Would it be too much to ask for an RPG that has at least a thread of connection to the possible instead of just a random fuck fest of realism and silliness? I just want to feel like this is something that could have happened for real I'd just like a little internal consistency, not just a "Ensign Mary Sue has an adventure for some stupid reason when any person who is as smart as Ensign Mary Sue is portrayed as being would have seen the obvious solution to the problem and not the convoluted solution to the problem that the RPG writer has us jumping through just so they can tell a story about MARY FUCKING SUE TURNING INTO A FUCKING SPIDER!"


Meanwhile the character who is an alien race we've never seen before in any incarnation of Star Trek says "Why is there nobody of my species in any of these RPGs?"


"Oh for Christ's sake's Jeff, we've been over this. We only contacted your species 6 months ago. We didn't even know you existed when this RPG was written."


"Look I'm just saying I'm getting a little sick of playing Klingons just because my species looks slightly like Kingons."


"Then play with a different holoskin. I'm not a Vulcan but I RPed a Vulcan in our last campaign."


"Oh like putting on pointed ears and acting like a self righteous asshole is such a stretch for humans. My people's culture is nothing like Klingon culture even if we look kinda, vaguely similar. I'd just like a character I can relate to a little more."


"Well then pick one of the more than eighty thousand alien races we had contact with when this RPG was written that best fits the character you want to be."


"Look, I'm just saying, both our species technological and social tech is so advanced that six months after meeting each other I'm living on the core world of a completely different species and culture and integrating so well that I'm meeting weekly to play pretend with a group of aliens I didn't even know existed less than a year ago, is it really so much of a stretch to imagine one member of my species met you guys 20 years ago?"


"Really, Jeff? Really? You really think given both our civilization's tech that either one of us could have had a first contact 20 years ago yet it would lead to no meaningful contact between our species until just six months ago? C'mon Jeff! C'mon!!!"


"Oh I see, you're okay with Ensign Mary Sue turning into a spider but you just can't accept that a Grezorpunakin had contact with the Federation 20 years before our real first contact."


"For fuck's sake Jeff! I'm not okay with Ensign Mary Sue turning into a spider. The whole reason I paused the simulation was because I was not okay with that. If you want to play a Grezorpunakin, which I gotta be honest sounds like a name for a species made by pulling random scrabble tiles out of a bag, like if you gave some pulp fiction writers from Earth's 1930s a task of coming up with an alien species name and then have a character of that species have the dullest of human names, well hey you do you JEFF."


"Woah! Woah! Woah! ROBERT! I'll have you know in my language Jeff is a name that's almost sacred in its beauty and meaning. While Robert sounds like the noise we make after a really good meal."


"Yeah well you're on Earth now Jeff. And on Earth Jeff is such a dull assed name that some people named it will add "Ery" to the end of it just to spice it up."


Meanwhile the guy whose turn it was to pick the holoRPG for that week is begging them "Guys! Guys! Please! Can we just get through this game without it going off the rails into a big fight over what is stupid and what is not? C'mon guys. Just throw yourself into it. We gotta find a way to turn the crew back into non animal version of themselves before Picard becomes a lemur and gets eaten by that Worf guy. Can we just focus on that for now."


"Fine! Let's get this done, but next week it's my turn to bring the holoRPG and I'm fucking rolling a Grezorpunakin for once and first contact be damned."


"Okay, Jeff, fine. Just make sure it's a good one."


"Oh it's a good one alright. "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier". I hear we get to kick god in the crotch in this one."


"God dammit, Jeff."


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