So in the past three months I've had several straight friends contact me, as their queer friend, to ask for advice to help them understand what trans family members are going through and it makes me so glad and proud of the people I call friends that their instinct was "better ask a friend who knows more about this for some advice" and not "better cut this family member out of my life for doing something I don't understand".

My initial advice before they get into the specifics of their situation is always the same.

Once upon a time we didn't exist, we didn't feel pain, loneliness, suffering or anything else for that matter. Then one day we were ripped from the void and stuck in a meat prison where we'll get about 80 years give or take until this meat prison finally breaks down and lets us return to that blessed void. There are so many things that hurt us mentally and physically while we exist in these meat prisons. So much pain and so much suffering and each of us have the right to be comfortable in our own skin because while we're here this meat prison belongs to us and we should all have autonomy over our meat prisons.

For some people making peace with their meat prisons is really easy. Some people don't have to do anything at all, their meat prison suits their own identity very well, almost like a glove. Some people have to do a little tweaking of their meat prison to make it reflect who they are so they can be as comfortable as possible in the time they're condemned to stay inside this meat prison. Some people just need to wear certain style of clothes to feel at home in their meat prisons. Some people don't like the colour of the hair in their meat prison. So they dye it. Some people want their meat prison to be hard so they exercise in ways that make their meat prisons muscular. Some people feel the skin of their meat prison is too bland so they tattoo it. Some people think their meat prison needs some shiny adornment so they get piercings, which hurt a bit at first but ultimately makes them more comfortable in their skin. That's what it all comes down to, their right to make their meat prison as comfortable as possible while they're stuck in it.

Some people need to do even more before they're finally comfortable in their meat prison. Some people dressing to their identity is all it takes to make their meat prison a home. Some people need to take hormones to make their meat prison a home. Some, but really very few people even need to have surgery to make their meat prison a home and that's perfectly valid too. We all should have the right to make our meat prisons as comfortable a home as possible for our consciousness to live in for however long we're stuck here.

I don't have the right to forbid someone from getting a tattoo just because I don't feel having a tattoo will make me more comfortable in my meat prison. It's a hell of a lot easier for my tattooed friends to just get the tattoo they want than it is for them to try and rewire the desire for a tattoo out of their brain, so let them get the tattoo. Doesn't affect my life in any meaningful way and it makes them happy in their meat prison.

A common concern people will follow this up with is "Don't they know how hard this is going to make their lives?"

Oh hell yeah they know. They know they're going to be mocked. They know they're going to be ridiculed. They know they're going to be discriminated against. They know they're going to be shunned. They know they might even be killed all for the sin of trying to be comfortable in their meat prison. But they also know the pain of not making their meat prison a home is going to be so much worse.

"So what do I do as a concerned and caring parent? Just sit back and let them do all this?"

Hell no! Take action to support them through this. Communicate with them your concerns but most importantly listen to them when they tell you their concerns. Be there for them. If you got em reach out to queer friends for advice. Join a positive support group (even if it's just online) for parents of trans people. Understand that none of this is about you. You didn't "fail as a parent" because you raised a trans child. Your child isn't doing it to rebel against you or to punish or to embarrass you. Let your child know that no matter how hard things get and no matter how much you might struggle at times to understand what they're going through that you love them and you will be with them to support them as they do what they need to to make their meat prison a home. By being proactive in your child's transition you will make the whole thing so much easier for yourself and your child.

"I feel like I've lost my son/daughter."

That is a perfectly understandable feeling. But understand the loss you are mourning isn't the loss of a person. It's the loss of your own mental construct of who that person was which was based on your experiences with that person before they began to do what they needed to do to be comfortable in their meat prison. They're still alive, they're still here, they're still the same person you had all those experiences with. They're not going away unless you drive them away. They're still your child and as much as it might pain you to watch them struggle to make their meat prison a home, as much as it might pain you to watch them struggle against a world that persecutes them, mocks them, and hurts them it will pain you a million times more if you have to bury them.